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This is to all of those people who think that the Navy is like
"TOP GUN" or "JAG". You know the ones who
think the Navy is glamorous. This is a few suggestions for all
the people, they can actually experience
Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes.
Tell them to follow these simple directions:
Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6
Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the
outside of the walls.
Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your
basement, then pump it out, clean it up, and
paint the basement "deck gray".
Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and
go to the scummiest part of town, find
the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer
until your hammered, then walk home in
the freezing cold.
Once a week disassemble your lawn mower and inspect it.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water
temperature up to 200 degrees, then on
Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On
Saturdays and Sundays declare to your family
that they have used too much water during the week. so
all showering is secured.
Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
Have your neighbor come over each day at 5am and blow a
whistle so loud that Helen Keller could
hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave
out and trice up"
Have your Mother-in-law write down everything she's
going to do the following day, then have her
make your whole family stand in your back yard at 6am
and listen to her read it.
Eat the raunchiest Mexican food that you can find for
three days straight, then lock the
bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that
reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at x3455"
Submit a request form to your Father-in-law, asking if
it's ok for you to leave the house before
Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over,
then board up all the windows and doors
for 6 months. After the 6months is over, take down all
the boards, and since you're on duty,
wave at your friends and family through the front window
of your home... You can't leave until
Shower with all the above-mentioned friends.
Make all of your family qualify to operate all of the
appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher
Operator, Blender Technician, etc)
Walk around you car for 4 hours checking the tire
pressure every 15 minutes. (just because)
Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going
anywhere. This is to ensure your engine
is properly "lit off"
Empty all of your garbage bins in your house, and sweep
your driveway 3 times a day, whether
they need it or not.
Repaint your entire house once a month.
Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice
and seasoning that you can get your
Have your neighbor collect all of your mail for a month,
randomly losing every 5th item.
Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but
only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat
Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT
Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and
call it "World Travel".
Ensure that any promotions that you do get are from
stepping on the dead bodies of your
Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your
neighbors have gone to bed.
When your children are in bed , run into their room with
a megaphone, and shout at the top of
your lungs that your home is under attack, and order
them to man their battle stations.
Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your
family that you are having steak for dinner.
Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when
they finally get to the kitchen, tell
them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham
or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they
don't pay attention to the menu any more, they just ask
for hot dogs.
In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of
your driveway. Have your family stand
4-hour rotations behind it.
Lock yourself and your family in the house for 6 weeks.
Then tell them that at the end of the
6th week you're going to take them to Disney World for
"Weekend Liberty". When the end of the
6th week rolls around, inform them that Disney has been
cancelled due to the fact that they need
to get ready for a home inspector (E-cert), and it will
be another week before they can leave
Put your family through this, and then let them tell
you how glamorous Navy life is.